The Jimmy Hobo Chronicles....Issue 1

So like most people I enjoy ambling around the country with a guitar and no place to sleep. So in this self aggrandizing series of blog-posts I'm going to keep a record of some of the best/weirdest things that happened in between issues.

"Maybe you should find your bandmates" - Confused Angry Art School Girl


A man called Jamie had asked me to come up and play in Norwich at the B2, my current policy is never say no to a show no matter how big or small or far away, seeing as it's awesome to be asked in the first place. I decided to go up a day earlier as an old friend of mine would be in Norwich for one day only and I really wanted to see her. I'd organized to stay at my friend Jones' plus I found out on the morning I left that Sammy's Fatal Mistake would be playing the Marquee that night and even above that Ian was in Norwich that afternoon and I hadn't seen him in a long while. In short everything slotted into place perfectly! I even did the usually laborious train ride up from Maidstone in record time, hitting all my connections seamlessly. I arrived in Norwich pretty happy with myself and went to meet Ian.

We headed for a charming afternoon coffee at Franks bar to talk zine prices and distribution when this alcoholic mum started chatting with us. For more on this it's best to check out Ian's account of what happened as I spent the whole mildly surreal event pretending to be engrossed by my laptop and occasionally smirking at her job hunting advice. After about half an hour I decided it was probably time to make excuses and get the hell out. After a quick trip to town to get a hat and some guitar strings I said goodbye to Ian, we man hugged and I got a raging boner. I then headed to the hotel where my friends were staying. We shared a couple of bottles of Portuguese Rose before heading to campus to sit in the square and lament over our lost youth. It was depressing. So depressing in fact I met up with recent Norwich arrival 'Negi' Ned from Peterborough and we headed down to see Sammy's at the Marquee.

Despite a very empty Marquee you couldn't argue with the entrance fee of nothing. I had an absolute blast. It was good to catch up with Jordy and Dave and by way of surprise the man, the legend Steve Allen was there. Sammy's were ace and by this point I was feeling quite drunk, slurring and stumbling slightly, talking shit in a shitty way and being generally happy and buzzed. A man who we shall call Robert from had appeared at the gig. I'd met him a few days before at Po Na Na's and he seemed like a nice guy and I'd chatted to a couple of his friends one of which was a really cute girl who will remain nameless. Turned out we had a few things in common and we chatted, sort of flirted, but nothing creepy or weird. Anyway the show ended and me and Jordy played Peggle while everyone else loaded out. I ran into Robert and the girl outside the Marquee and they said they were going to Mustard Lounge, she gave me her number and I told me to come down.

After hugs and goodbyes I walked through the cold Norwich night round to Mustard and saw my newly acquired friends standing at the bar. They said they were going to Mercy, the worst club in the history of bad clubs so I sent out some signals that I wasn't too down with that idea. The girl said she had a big room and a sleeping bag if I fancied coming back and crashing out. I checked the time, it was about 1am, probably too late to wake up Jones and hell yeah this girl was really hot, seemed pretty cool, I'd be a damn fool to pass up the offer.

*Just a side note a younger more impulsive me would have immediately tried to go for the jugular and become overly touchy feely and well a little bit creepy. I'm not down with that anymore, I genuinely expected to be sleeping in a sleeping bag on the floor watching a film and while I can't deny there were definite hopes of something happening I wasn't going to force anything or make anything uncomfortable*

Anyway so we get a taxi back to her place and there's these two art kids sitting in the kitchen doing something inconsequential, she sets about making herself some sandwiches while I steal some cheap vodka and realize I'm actually really tiered and quite drunk and my number one priority is now trying to sleep. She gets a phone call from her on/off boyfriend and my alarm bells start ringing, this is getting a bit strange as she disappears for about half an hour leaving me slobbering slightly and chain smoking out of a window. Eventually she comes back and I manage to wangle my way into her room. It was big and she did have a sleeping bag. She offered to put on a film and then her phone rang again she vanished. I immediately thought fuck this and put my bag on the floor and promptly fell asleep on top of it. I thought it this would be the end of it, I'd just wake up in morning as usual confused and make a run for it. other people had some other ideas though. About two hours later I woke up to someone kicking me relatively hard in the back and shouting hysterically. I croaked into life unsure as to what the fuck was going on. They were screaming "get the fuck out of here you rapist!", "she doesn't want you here", "if she wasn't drunk you wouldn't be here!" I raised my finger in the air to show I was alive and rolled over to see two drunk girls and a gay man standing over me. One of the girls again repeated "if she wasn't drunk you wouldn't be here" as I looked at her and noticed her glasses I said "If it wasn't for the miracle of modern opticians you wouldn't be able to see me here." At which point she started screaming that I was calling her a four eyed slut and began pushing me as I got to my feet. I just went as fast as I could for the door, blazing through the hall and the kitchen with no idea where I was or what was going on. I ended up in a reception hall and spied a radiator over by the corner. It was turned off but I thought it was as good a place as any to try and bed down.

About 20minutes later I was kicked awake slightly more softly this time by two drunk guys who wanted to know what I was doing and why I was there. I tried to explain but it all I could manage to get out was I was trying to sleep and I knew a girl who lived here. I told them her name and they went into her corridor. I thought, fuck this, I don't want the lynch mob kicking me out of another sleeping spot. I made it down the stairs and saw a small space under them which was secluded enough for me to slide into without being seen and hide out till morning. No such luck. As soon as I had crawled under and laid down about 10 kids appeared above me asking me what the hell I was doing. Again I tried to explain as they talked loudly and looked scared, I think they thought I was actually a hobo. I tried to explain I was playing a gig the next day and one girl asked "then where is the rest of your band!?" I could only meekly offer "I'm a solo artist, you know like Bruce Springsteen or Sting." I told them again the name of the girl I knew and they went off to get her. I decided this was by now an emergency situation and I could call my friends for help and justify it despite it being 4am. Firstly I rang Jones who didn't answer. shit. I then tried my friend in the hotel but her phone was off. I was getting worried, contemplating a night of hide and seek with art kids while i tried to find somewhere to sleep. I considered a random toilet as I could lock it. I didn't have much time before all the kids from upstairs came down and probably physically removed me. I decided to plump for the friend in Norwich most likely to be up and about at 4am doing nothing, Mr Ed Ford. God bless him two rings and a lethargic midland drawl comes down the line "Y'all right James, you having some troubles?", "Yes Ed I'm hiding form art students under a staircase.", "Come over." I rolled out the gap as I heard familiar hysterical voices coming down the stairs asking "Where is he!?" I ran for the door and realized I had got my phone out to get a taxi but at the same point realized I didn't know where the hell I was. Eventually I found a road sign just as a mini cab passed and pulled over. I made it to Ed's cold, tired, drunk but alive and relieved. I proceeded to pass out on his sofa.

Jimmy's Final Thoughts: Sometimes it's best not to go home with girls (or boys) you've only just met when you're quite drunk and have the potential of not having a warm bed to go to. Firstly if it goes wrong you'll seem like a complete creep to anyone who doesn't know you or why you are there. Secondly if you are going to get into this kind of situation make sure you aren't wearing fingerless gloves and a knitted black beanie because again they make you seem like a bit of a creep.... and finally if you fancy a girl and you're me it's probably best to not go anywhere near them.

ISSUE 1 IS NOW AVAILABLE

http://cocainezine.bigcartel.com/ £2.50 (including postage) or £1.50 in person. Soundclash Records, Norwich have a few copies too.

This is exciting.

Welcome

Issue one is so very, very nearly finished. Then we've got to find a printers and we're good to go.

In the mean time though, here are some excellent sources of free legal music:

http://www.quoteunquoterecords.com

http://www.ifyoumakeit.com

http://notshyofthediy.blogspot.com

http://www.archive.org/details/pixfree

http://www.juiceboxdotcom.com